I can't begin to write down the things that my subconscious works on these days when I sleep. I just know I get more and more uncomfortable the closer I get to the morning and I wake up with a knot in my stomach and no appetite for breakfast. No appetite is a highly unusual thing for me.
During the day, I'm ok, but tired, sometimes more distracted than usual. I miss the work I used to have. I miss the people I used to interact with. I am sorry we sold the business. But I'm ok. I read some psalms, I go to church, we listen to nice music and I'm uplifted. But my subconscious keeps churning at night.
I now understand Martin's grandmother Mueller in Poland. Aunt Gertrud writes: why did she leave the farm to flee the Russians with her nine children on a wagon at -30 without the benefits of going in an organized trek with her neighbors. Why did she leave so quickly and all by herself? (husband was away stopping tanks by digging ditches--Volkssturm, stupid work for defense purposes)
Panic. Adrenalin. Got to go or I'll burst.-- of course, she jumped the gun.
It does not mean you're not trusting the Lord. It means there is stuff you have to do, to work through, to change, to arrange, to run, to fix. The adrenalin was given for a purpose. Yet, even while the adrenalin is working you have to try to stay calm and sane. Even accept the adrenalin. Yes, I've got the adrenalin rush, the panic, but not now--you have to think--and pray.
The Chinese, currently, say this: let this situation heighten our sense of peril, so that we will act more appropriately.
I read something like that in the paper. Let it heighten our sense of peril, not let us relax and hope for the best.
As a Christian I also may have a heightened sense of peril, when there is peril. I am supposed to trust the Lord, but I also must let this sense of peril guide me into appropriate discussions and actions.
3 comments:
Way to go Briggitte,
I'm talking about the comment you left on iMonk last night. But really at some point you ought to go to bed.
People are so confused on Luther, but even the Catholic Cardinals are telling their people to read him theseadays.
Thanks for the support, Bror. I did not post that late, though. It must have been no later than 10:15.
However, do say a prayer for me. I am very unsettled. There are so many changes and things I worry about at the moment.
Consider it prayed. God works everything for good for those who love him.
Of course the blog said that you posted after midnight.
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